GIANT SQUID TERRORIZES LOCAL MAN

On the evening of 3 February, Mr. Holcomb Tamworth returned home from the office to find a giant squid swimming in his above-ground pool.

“It was atrocious!” said Mr. Tamworth. “The thing was just lying about, tentacles . . . tentacles a-gaggle, as if it had right to be there—as if he weren’t an intruder upon my home!” Mr. Tamworth demanded explanation of the squid and the squid informed Mr. Tamworth that it had been evicted from the ocean for reasons undisclosed and now required a watery place to reside lest he dry up and die a “horrible, horrible death.”

“Bugger kept trying to implicate me in it all, as if I’d be responsible for his death if I didn’t let him stay in my pool. Well, I happen to know that there’s an aquarium not far from where I live that would surely be happy to take in a giant squid but, no, he said he didn’t want to deal with that kind of ‘oppression’ and babbled on about freedom and how aquariums are nothing but cruel prisons for fish and other such nonsense. Oh, he didn’t fool me at all.”

Mr. Tamworth informed the squid that he did not desire to take on boarders even with considerations to the giant squid’s plight; he then requested “as kindly as possible” for the squid to leave. The squid begged Mr. Tamworth to allow him residence in Mr. Tamworth’s pool but, again, Mr. Tamworth refused and asked for the squid to leave.

“The earth is 70% water, isn’t it? He could have found somewhere else, surely.”

After much debate, the squid forsook Mr. Tamworth’s polite requests and flatly refused to leave. Mr. Tamworth then angrily ordered the giant squid to vacate his property lest he suffer violence at the hand of Mr. Tamworth and a shovel previously uninvolved with the dispute. The giant squid, not taken by Mr. Tamworth’s harsh words, lunged from the pool and attempted to assault Mr. Tamworth. The squid succeeded in only breaking Mr. Tamworth’s shovel and fled when Mr. Tamworth resolved to “get [his] gun.”

Mr. Tamworth neglected to inform the police of the ordeal, believing the squid to be of no further threat. In the week that followed, Mr. Tamworth would frequently return home to find his trash cans toppled and the trash strewn about the lawn. Again he neglected to inform the authorities, attributing the first incident to be the product of local dogs. But when the incident recurred a third time, suspicions of foul play resurged in Mr. Tamworth and he promptly phoned the local police. He informed them of the incident with the giant squid days prior and told them he suspected the giant squid as culprit for these acts of vandalism. The police, sceptical at first, informed Mr. Tamworth that until someone could corroborate his claims, they could not bring the squid up on charges of vandalism although they would inform the squid of recent events and what would happen if he were properly implicated. Mr. Tamworth thanked the officers and reassured himself that the vandalism would cease.

However, in the days to come, the family cat, Trotsky, would return home with an increasingly hostile attitude, odd sucker marks across its body, and a bleeding anus that the vet confirmed had been “punctured as by a foreign object.” Enraged, Mr. Tamworth called for the police and informed them of the brutalization inflicted upon Trotsky. Again, however, the police informed Mr. Tamworth that without corroborating evidence they could not bring the squid up on charges and, conversely, the squid wished the police to inform Mr. Tamworth that he sought to bring Mr. Tamworth up on charges of libel if Mr. Tamworth sought to publish or spread his “false” claims further. Enraged the more, Mr. Tamworth consulted with Bryan Acres, a local solicitor, only to find that the giant squid’s claims were, in fact, legitimate and that Mr. Tamworth should not consult with any papers or make public accusations about the squid without proper evidence.

The following day, Mr. Tamworth found Trotsky dead on the drive way, its fur having been stripped away completely, its skin covered in sucker marks, its anus ripped asunder, and its rectum pulverized into little more than jelly.

“Only Hokey cared about that cat,” says Mrs. Tabitha Hughes Tamworth, wife of Mr. Holcomb Tamworth. “It didn’t matter much to me or the children. The thing was getting on in age and was a mean git towards Carrey and Luke [the Tamworth children] as well as the neighbors—all except for Hokey who loved the thing probably more than he loved me or the children. Frankly, I was glad when it showed up dead, as were the children although we did our best to keep our feelings from Hokey.”

Although the sucker marks found on the cat’s skin may have been sufficient for suckerprint identification, say local investigators, Mr. Tamworth failed to realize this and cremated Trotsky as per family tradition before the body could be autopsied.

Having “lost faith in the authorities,” Tamworth resolved to kill the squid himself should he find the squid on his property once more.

Days later, Mr. Tamworth returned home to find Tabitha engaged in octophallic sex with the giant squid. “God, slime covered everything!—the bed, Tabitha, my books. Sucker marks were all over the mattress, across the walls, even on the ceiling, and . . . that thing’s . . . semen strewn across the entire bedroom. It looked like . . . Well, it looked like a bloody squid had ejaculated all over my bedroom!” said Mr. Tamworth.

Flying into a rage, Mr. Tamworth rushed for his rifle but the giant squid fled and escaped the home before a shot could be fired.

During an interview with the BBC, Mrs. Tamworth informed the media that she had “grown bored with her husband” and, finding herself “sexually neglected,” sought comfort in the giant squid whom had gone “so abused” by her husband.

As Mrs. Tamworth recounts, the two met in a local pub shortly after Mr. Tamworth ejected the squid from the family pool. “He seemed quite charming and I felt guilty for what Hokey had done to him. We rarely use that pool as it is and he [the squid] would have been more than welcome to use it. I suppose it would have been more polite to ask but he is a squid and needs his water. I know I wouldn’t begrudge a starving man for stealing a little food so why should I begrudge a squid water? . . . Our relationship became . . . intimate before long. He’s just so charming. And those tentacles! How could any woman resist?”

Earlier in the week, the BBC attempted an interview with noted marine biologist and research associate for the American Museum of Natural History, Richard Ellis, author of The Search for the Giant Squid and Monsters of the Sea. However, the good doctor appeared reluctant to divulge comment on the issue.

Interviewer: What do you make of this situation, Mr. Ellis?

Ellis: This is a joke.

I: Excuse me?

E: This is a joke. This is . . . it’s rubbish. What kind of prank are you pulling here?

I: It’s not a prank, sir.

E: You expect me to take this seriously?

I: Yes, a local man—

E: Don’t repeat it! I heard you the first time.

I: And you don’t have any comment on the behaviour of this giant squid? Don’t you believe that he’s acting quite hostile? Don’t you think that government should step in or the police apprehend this giant squid?

E: Get out of my office.

Mr. Ellis would make no further comment. The interviewer believes Mr. Ellis and other marine researchers may be receiving hostile threats from extreme giant squid lobbyists in order to keep derogatory or damaging claims about giant squid from reaching the public ear.

“As it stands now,” says Mr. Tamworth, “these squidy bastards can just lord around as they please. Parliament refuses to do anything about them, won’t even acknowledge that they’re a nuisance, and I’d go so far as to say they don’t even acknowledge that these buggers exist. We all know giant squid exist but they’re happy to twaddle about, acting as if there isn’t an elephant in the room. Meanwhile, a giant squid is buggering my wife!”

In response to Mr. Tamworth’s telling of the incident and the media coverage that followed, Luna C. Vice of the Bureau for the Advancement of Architeuthian Liberties (BAAL) made the following announcement: “It is because of bigots like Mr. Tamworth that we are not able to secure proper civil liberties for our cephalopodan kinsmen. Every day they are caught in fishing nets, terrorized by the sperm whale extremists, and cannibalized in our own sushi restaurants. Because of our morose treatment of these gentle creatures who only desire to live in peace, the men of our country freely assault and oppress them, forcing these humble beings into deprivation, starvation, and dehydration. And I swear to you, there will come a day when this era will be looked upon by the children of our children’s children as the ten millennia reign of the Architeuthian Holocaust!”

Divorce proceedings were held for the Tamworths earlier this week. Mrs. Tamworth is relocating to a lake house in an undisclosed location to be close to the giant squid. Custody suits over the couple’s children have been filed by both parties and hearings will be held within the following month.

All attempts to locate the giant squid for questioning have failed.

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