Posts Tagged 'health'


Scientists are baffled by the appearance of an amazing new energy bar onto the health food market. Advertised as an alternative to conventional diets, the Quantum Elixir Bar, created by Dr. Stanley Dunkowitz and neo-Confucian Tao master Wu-wu Bunq, claims not only to suppress hunger and encourage weight loss but to invigorate life energies, resulting in a longer lasting, more satisfying life.

“It is a process too complicated to explain in full,” says Dr. Dunkowitz, “but, to put it simply, our amazing formula aligns the inherent Qi—or spirit energy—flowing through human body with quantum waveform probabilities guiding every particle in this multiverse, including those within your body, to circumscribe the distinct probability matrix by which cell division can be reduced, cell life lengthened, and the entire body healthenized. . . .

“And because this process directly influences Qi forces, one can magnify the effects by coordinating one’s daily meals with astrological junctions depending on the desired effects. For example, if you would like greater physical balance, one should hold meals under the sign of Libra; if you desire greater strength and durability, eat under Taurus; and so on. It really is that easy! In fact, every box of QEBs comes with an order form for one of our easy-to-use astrological charts, an accompanying manual, and my dear colleague Wu-wu Bunq’s book Keeping the Flow: The Benefits of Energies Psychic and Quantum, a guidebook for understanding the amazing energies in and around you and how they help you in everyday life. All that for just two payments of $199.95! Now, even the most hardened of skeptics has to admit that’s a steal!

“But wait, the incredibility doesn’t end there,” continues Dr. Dunkowitz. “Quantum Elixir Bars can also be used in conjunction with Feng Shui. Simply arrange your furniture to the guidelines specified by our crew of certified expert geomancers—who can be contacted through our website and hired at a minimal fee for services rendered—and your path to eternal youth can be doubly foreshortened. We provide everything through our network of affiliated businesses for the convenience of the customer. No need to consult some shaky geomancer with his head up his wazoo. You want someone you can trust and we have the most trustworthy geomancers, chiropractors, homeopathic doctors, and astrologers that incorporate our amazing Elixir Bars into their methods of practice. The results: immortality!”

In addition to their amazing dietary and muscle buildings abilities, Dr. Dunkowitz attests to the incredible medicinal effects of his Quantum Elixir Bars:

“Cancer, AIDS, Leukemia, eczema, erectile dysfunction, muscular sclerosis, genital warts, hell, even the common cold—I tell you, our Elixir Bar cures it all! It’s simply amazing! I mean, I couldn’t be sitting here telling you this if it weren’t true! If I were a liar, my Qi would be so completely out of whack that I would burst into blazing flames before you! But clearly, I’m as cool as a spring breeze over a meadow. And how could I be this handsome without some spiritual assistance. Think about it. It has to be true!”

Despite these amazing claims, skeptics have viciously attacked Quantum Elixir Bars and launched massive campaigns against Dr. Dunkowitz and Wu-wu Bunq, citing a supposed “lack of evidence” for the effects of their product.

“Evidence? Pah! You talk to any customer of ours for just a minute and you’ll have all the evidence you need,” says Dr. Dunkowitz and this reporter did just that:

“They’re amazing. I eat, maybe, two boxes a day. I’m even off that nasty processed food from the big food corporations and the evil fast food establishments. All I need is my Elixir Bars. . . . Whenever I eat one, I can feel the energies aligning inside my body, like, really feel them going up and down my spine like electricity through a wire or something, you know, and I get hyper energized like I’d just drank ten cups of coffee. I can stay up all night without getting tired and run around the block a thousand times and still have strength to lift weights for hours afterward . . . but mostly I just try to sit around and mellow since being in contact with the spirit realm causes me to lose a lot of my time in this dismal material world. Sometimes I’ll even wake up and realize I’d lost an entire day because I was just floating around on the other side. . . .

“If I had to name something—and, let me tell you, I’m reaching here—the only problem I’d say I have with the bars is that when I go without one for awhile, I get a little jittery. Oh, and sometimes I get this feeling like tiny beetles that smell like colors without names are crawling under my skin. But I just have another bar and all that goes away like that [snaps fingers]. . . . Just goes to show you how screwy reality really is once you’ve been awakened and your energies are aligned. When you’re up from the nightmare, you can’t go back!”

Despite these incredible and laudatory accounts, nutritionists have raised concerns over the bar’s contents. However, the one we contacted seemed only to lob more scathing remarks at the bar and its creators. “It simply doesn’t work . . . The claims made by Dr. Dunkowitz, who, as I understand it, is a podiatrist and does not specialize in nutrition, are . . . ludicrous. . . . One can find no evidence for the nutritional, dietary, and medical claims they make. . . . These bars contain potentially dangerous ingredients and should not be ingested in mass quantities over a long—or even short period of time.”

“The ingredient most nutritionists raise concerns over is erythroxyline, a simple alkaloid derived from the coca plant. However, I assure all of our customers—and potential customers—that this substance is of no medical concern. In fact, it’s a key ingredient in what makes Quantum Elixir Bars work so well! It frees the mind from the material world and allows access to the quantum waveform probabilities that surround us so our Qi can adequately adjust them. Really, without it, the bars would cease to work.”

“Of course, Big Pharma has been after us to shut our operations down for a long time. They’re angry they can’t reap the same profits as my partner and I because their scientists [makes quotation marks with fingers] refuse to accept the existence of Qi energy. Really, we’d love to conduct scientific tests with our bars but no scientist will work with us and no journal would publish our findings. The current scientific community is simply too dogmatic and stubborn to accept any new and amazing discovery; if it goes beyond their petty preconceived notions, they’ll simply refuse to even look at whatever testimonials you might have. It’s simply infuriating. All we want to do is help people but their greed is keeping us from maximizing that desire.”

Dr. Dunkowitz and Wu-wu Bunq are also interested in helping their customers earn their own profits through their miracle bars by means of a simple multi-level marketing system. Customers who turn their friends and family on to Quantum Elixir Bars and assist in selling the bars and affiliated merchandise in their local community can earn points toward feng shui sessions and other QEB affiliated products and services as well as cold hard cash, if they desire.

“Our goal is to help people,” says Dr. Dunkowitz. “Help them live longer, happier lives free of toxins, pain and poverty. All it takes is a small investment and a commitment to a program that simply cannot fail! You’ll be addicted to our bars and addicted to life!”