Posts Tagged 'satire'

SCIENTISTS BAFFLED BY AMAZING QUANTUM ELIXIR BARS

Scientists are baffled by the appearance of an amazing new energy bar onto the health food market. Advertised as an alternative to conventional diets, the Quantum Elixir Bar, created by Dr. Stanley Dunkowitz and neo-Confucian Tao master Wu-wu Bunq, claims not only to suppress hunger and encourage weight loss but to invigorate life energies, resulting in a longer lasting, more satisfying life.

“It is a process too complicated to explain in full,” says Dr. Dunkowitz, “but, to put it simply, our amazing formula aligns the inherent Qi—or spirit energy—flowing through human body with quantum waveform probabilities guiding every particle in this multiverse, including those within your body, to circumscribe the distinct probability matrix by which cell division can be reduced, cell life lengthened, and the entire body healthenized. . . .

“And because this process directly influences Qi forces, one can magnify the effects by coordinating one’s daily meals with astrological junctions depending on the desired effects. For example, if you would like greater physical balance, one should hold meals under the sign of Libra; if you desire greater strength and durability, eat under Taurus; and so on. It really is that easy! In fact, every box of QEBs comes with an order form for one of our easy-to-use astrological charts, an accompanying manual, and my dear colleague Wu-wu Bunq’s book Keeping the Flow: The Benefits of Energies Psychic and Quantum, a guidebook for understanding the amazing energies in and around you and how they help you in everyday life. All that for just two payments of $199.95! Now, even the most hardened of skeptics has to admit that’s a steal!

“But wait, the incredibility doesn’t end there,” continues Dr. Dunkowitz. “Quantum Elixir Bars can also be used in conjunction with Feng Shui. Simply arrange your furniture to the guidelines specified by our crew of certified expert geomancers—who can be contacted through our website and hired at a minimal fee for services rendered—and your path to eternal youth can be doubly foreshortened. We provide everything through our network of affiliated businesses for the convenience of the customer. No need to consult some shaky geomancer with his head up his wazoo. You want someone you can trust and we have the most trustworthy geomancers, chiropractors, homeopathic doctors, and astrologers that incorporate our amazing Elixir Bars into their methods of practice. The results: immortality!”

In addition to their amazing dietary and muscle buildings abilities, Dr. Dunkowitz attests to the incredible medicinal effects of his Quantum Elixir Bars:

“Cancer, AIDS, Leukemia, eczema, erectile dysfunction, muscular sclerosis, genital warts, hell, even the common cold—I tell you, our Elixir Bar cures it all! It’s simply amazing! I mean, I couldn’t be sitting here telling you this if it weren’t true! If I were a liar, my Qi would be so completely out of whack that I would burst into blazing flames before you! But clearly, I’m as cool as a spring breeze over a meadow. And how could I be this handsome without some spiritual assistance. Think about it. It has to be true!”

Despite these amazing claims, skeptics have viciously attacked Quantum Elixir Bars and launched massive campaigns against Dr. Dunkowitz and Wu-wu Bunq, citing a supposed “lack of evidence” for the effects of their product.

“Evidence? Pah! You talk to any customer of ours for just a minute and you’ll have all the evidence you need,” says Dr. Dunkowitz and this reporter did just that:

“They’re amazing. I eat, maybe, two boxes a day. I’m even off that nasty processed food from the big food corporations and the evil fast food establishments. All I need is my Elixir Bars. . . . Whenever I eat one, I can feel the energies aligning inside my body, like, really feel them going up and down my spine like electricity through a wire or something, you know, and I get hyper energized like I’d just drank ten cups of coffee. I can stay up all night without getting tired and run around the block a thousand times and still have strength to lift weights for hours afterward . . . but mostly I just try to sit around and mellow since being in contact with the spirit realm causes me to lose a lot of my time in this dismal material world. Sometimes I’ll even wake up and realize I’d lost an entire day because I was just floating around on the other side. . . .

“If I had to name something—and, let me tell you, I’m reaching here—the only problem I’d say I have with the bars is that when I go without one for awhile, I get a little jittery. Oh, and sometimes I get this feeling like tiny beetles that smell like colors without names are crawling under my skin. But I just have another bar and all that goes away like that [snaps fingers]. . . . Just goes to show you how screwy reality really is once you’ve been awakened and your energies are aligned. When you’re up from the nightmare, you can’t go back!”

Despite these incredible and laudatory accounts, nutritionists have raised concerns over the bar’s contents. However, the one we contacted seemed only to lob more scathing remarks at the bar and its creators. “It simply doesn’t work . . . The claims made by Dr. Dunkowitz, who, as I understand it, is a podiatrist and does not specialize in nutrition, are . . . ludicrous. . . . One can find no evidence for the nutritional, dietary, and medical claims they make. . . . These bars contain potentially dangerous ingredients and should not be ingested in mass quantities over a long—or even short period of time.”

“The ingredient most nutritionists raise concerns over is erythroxyline, a simple alkaloid derived from the coca plant. However, I assure all of our customers—and potential customers—that this substance is of no medical concern. In fact, it’s a key ingredient in what makes Quantum Elixir Bars work so well! It frees the mind from the material world and allows access to the quantum waveform probabilities that surround us so our Qi can adequately adjust them. Really, without it, the bars would cease to work.”

“Of course, Big Pharma has been after us to shut our operations down for a long time. They’re angry they can’t reap the same profits as my partner and I because their scientists [makes quotation marks with fingers] refuse to accept the existence of Qi energy. Really, we’d love to conduct scientific tests with our bars but no scientist will work with us and no journal would publish our findings. The current scientific community is simply too dogmatic and stubborn to accept any new and amazing discovery; if it goes beyond their petty preconceived notions, they’ll simply refuse to even look at whatever testimonials you might have. It’s simply infuriating. All we want to do is help people but their greed is keeping us from maximizing that desire.”

Dr. Dunkowitz and Wu-wu Bunq are also interested in helping their customers earn their own profits through their miracle bars by means of a simple multi-level marketing system. Customers who turn their friends and family on to Quantum Elixir Bars and assist in selling the bars and affiliated merchandise in their local community can earn points toward feng shui sessions and other QEB affiliated products and services as well as cold hard cash, if they desire.

“Our goal is to help people,” says Dr. Dunkowitz. “Help them live longer, happier lives free of toxins, pain and poverty. All it takes is a small investment and a commitment to a program that simply cannot fail! You’ll be addicted to our bars and addicted to life!”

GIANT SQUID TERRORIZES LOCAL MAN

On the evening of 3 February, Mr. Holcomb Tamworth returned home from the office to find a giant squid swimming in his above-ground pool.

“It was atrocious!” said Mr. Tamworth. “The thing was just lying about, tentacles . . . tentacles a-gaggle, as if it had right to be there—as if he weren’t an intruder upon my home!” Mr. Tamworth demanded explanation of the squid and the squid informed Mr. Tamworth that it had been evicted from the ocean for reasons undisclosed and now required a watery place to reside lest he dry up and die a “horrible, horrible death.”

“Bugger kept trying to implicate me in it all, as if I’d be responsible for his death if I didn’t let him stay in my pool. Well, I happen to know that there’s an aquarium not far from where I live that would surely be happy to take in a giant squid but, no, he said he didn’t want to deal with that kind of ‘oppression’ and babbled on about freedom and how aquariums are nothing but cruel prisons for fish and other such nonsense. Oh, he didn’t fool me at all.”

Mr. Tamworth informed the squid that he did not desire to take on boarders even with considerations to the giant squid’s plight; he then requested “as kindly as possible” for the squid to leave. The squid begged Mr. Tamworth to allow him residence in Mr. Tamworth’s pool but, again, Mr. Tamworth refused and asked for the squid to leave.

“The earth is 70% water, isn’t it? He could have found somewhere else, surely.”

After much debate, the squid forsook Mr. Tamworth’s polite requests and flatly refused to leave. Mr. Tamworth then angrily ordered the giant squid to vacate his property lest he suffer violence at the hand of Mr. Tamworth and a shovel previously uninvolved with the dispute. The giant squid, not taken by Mr. Tamworth’s harsh words, lunged from the pool and attempted to assault Mr. Tamworth. The squid succeeded in only breaking Mr. Tamworth’s shovel and fled when Mr. Tamworth resolved to “get [his] gun.”

Mr. Tamworth neglected to inform the police of the ordeal, believing the squid to be of no further threat. In the week that followed, Mr. Tamworth would frequently return home to find his trash cans toppled and the trash strewn about the lawn. Again he neglected to inform the authorities, attributing the first incident to be the product of local dogs. But when the incident recurred a third time, suspicions of foul play resurged in Mr. Tamworth and he promptly phoned the local police. He informed them of the incident with the giant squid days prior and told them he suspected the giant squid as culprit for these acts of vandalism. The police, sceptical at first, informed Mr. Tamworth that until someone could corroborate his claims, they could not bring the squid up on charges of vandalism although they would inform the squid of recent events and what would happen if he were properly implicated. Mr. Tamworth thanked the officers and reassured himself that the vandalism would cease.

However, in the days to come, the family cat, Trotsky, would return home with an increasingly hostile attitude, odd sucker marks across its body, and a bleeding anus that the vet confirmed had been “punctured as by a foreign object.” Enraged, Mr. Tamworth called for the police and informed them of the brutalization inflicted upon Trotsky. Again, however, the police informed Mr. Tamworth that without corroborating evidence they could not bring the squid up on charges and, conversely, the squid wished the police to inform Mr. Tamworth that he sought to bring Mr. Tamworth up on charges of libel if Mr. Tamworth sought to publish or spread his “false” claims further. Enraged the more, Mr. Tamworth consulted with Bryan Acres, a local solicitor, only to find that the giant squid’s claims were, in fact, legitimate and that Mr. Tamworth should not consult with any papers or make public accusations about the squid without proper evidence.

The following day, Mr. Tamworth found Trotsky dead on the drive way, its fur having been stripped away completely, its skin covered in sucker marks, its anus ripped asunder, and its rectum pulverized into little more than jelly.

“Only Hokey cared about that cat,” says Mrs. Tabitha Hughes Tamworth, wife of Mr. Holcomb Tamworth. “It didn’t matter much to me or the children. The thing was getting on in age and was a mean git towards Carrey and Luke [the Tamworth children] as well as the neighbors—all except for Hokey who loved the thing probably more than he loved me or the children. Frankly, I was glad when it showed up dead, as were the children although we did our best to keep our feelings from Hokey.”

Although the sucker marks found on the cat’s skin may have been sufficient for suckerprint identification, say local investigators, Mr. Tamworth failed to realize this and cremated Trotsky as per family tradition before the body could be autopsied.

Having “lost faith in the authorities,” Tamworth resolved to kill the squid himself should he find the squid on his property once more.

Days later, Mr. Tamworth returned home to find Tabitha engaged in octophallic sex with the giant squid. “God, slime covered everything!—the bed, Tabitha, my books. Sucker marks were all over the mattress, across the walls, even on the ceiling, and . . . that thing’s . . . semen strewn across the entire bedroom. It looked like . . . Well, it looked like a bloody squid had ejaculated all over my bedroom!” said Mr. Tamworth.

Flying into a rage, Mr. Tamworth rushed for his rifle but the giant squid fled and escaped the home before a shot could be fired.

During an interview with the BBC, Mrs. Tamworth informed the media that she had “grown bored with her husband” and, finding herself “sexually neglected,” sought comfort in the giant squid whom had gone “so abused” by her husband.

As Mrs. Tamworth recounts, the two met in a local pub shortly after Mr. Tamworth ejected the squid from the family pool. “He seemed quite charming and I felt guilty for what Hokey had done to him. We rarely use that pool as it is and he [the squid] would have been more than welcome to use it. I suppose it would have been more polite to ask but he is a squid and needs his water. I know I wouldn’t begrudge a starving man for stealing a little food so why should I begrudge a squid water? . . . Our relationship became . . . intimate before long. He’s just so charming. And those tentacles! How could any woman resist?”

Earlier in the week, the BBC attempted an interview with noted marine biologist and research associate for the American Museum of Natural History, Richard Ellis, author of The Search for the Giant Squid and Monsters of the Sea. However, the good doctor appeared reluctant to divulge comment on the issue.

Interviewer: What do you make of this situation, Mr. Ellis?

Ellis: This is a joke.

I: Excuse me?

E: This is a joke. This is . . . it’s rubbish. What kind of prank are you pulling here?

I: It’s not a prank, sir.

E: You expect me to take this seriously?

I: Yes, a local man—

E: Don’t repeat it! I heard you the first time.

I: And you don’t have any comment on the behaviour of this giant squid? Don’t you believe that he’s acting quite hostile? Don’t you think that government should step in or the police apprehend this giant squid?

E: Get out of my office.

Mr. Ellis would make no further comment. The interviewer believes Mr. Ellis and other marine researchers may be receiving hostile threats from extreme giant squid lobbyists in order to keep derogatory or damaging claims about giant squid from reaching the public ear.

“As it stands now,” says Mr. Tamworth, “these squidy bastards can just lord around as they please. Parliament refuses to do anything about them, won’t even acknowledge that they’re a nuisance, and I’d go so far as to say they don’t even acknowledge that these buggers exist. We all know giant squid exist but they’re happy to twaddle about, acting as if there isn’t an elephant in the room. Meanwhile, a giant squid is buggering my wife!”

In response to Mr. Tamworth’s telling of the incident and the media coverage that followed, Luna C. Vice of the Bureau for the Advancement of Architeuthian Liberties (BAAL) made the following announcement: “It is because of bigots like Mr. Tamworth that we are not able to secure proper civil liberties for our cephalopodan kinsmen. Every day they are caught in fishing nets, terrorized by the sperm whale extremists, and cannibalized in our own sushi restaurants. Because of our morose treatment of these gentle creatures who only desire to live in peace, the men of our country freely assault and oppress them, forcing these humble beings into deprivation, starvation, and dehydration. And I swear to you, there will come a day when this era will be looked upon by the children of our children’s children as the ten millennia reign of the Architeuthian Holocaust!”

Divorce proceedings were held for the Tamworths earlier this week. Mrs. Tamworth is relocating to a lake house in an undisclosed location to be close to the giant squid. Custody suits over the couple’s children have been filed by both parties and hearings will be held within the following month.

All attempts to locate the giant squid for questioning have failed.